How to Cope When Your Parent Has Cancer

Aug 1

It started with a fall in the bathroom and a trip to the ER.

Two days later, my 88-year-old father stopped eating and drinking, and spent most of the day in bed sleeping.

His legs gave out when he was going to the bathroom, so my mom called the paramedics when she couldn’t get him back to bed.

Nine days in the hospital undergoing testing revealed he has lymphoma.

We didn’t think he’d want chemo because he was pulling out his IV and catheter, so we were preparing for The End.

My dad’s been drifting in and out of confusion and clarity.

During an alert moment, my mom told him he had cancer.

“Bullshit,” he said.

My mom asked him 3 times, verbally and in writing, whether he wanted chemo.

He said…

Yes.

The best way I can describe this past week and a half is a hellish roller coaster.

We never know what a day will bring, and from the start of it, my husband (who works in healthcare and deals with end of life issues) advised me, one day at a time.

Many days I want to cry but I have a hard time because I don’t want to completely lose it in front of my kids.

(My husband has worked every day and was on call this weekend so aside from a few hours of babysitting every day, I haven’t gotten much of a break.)

I’ve been having grace with myself and binge eating mini ice cream cones from Trader Joe’s, staying up late to read, letting the house be a mess, rarely cooking.

The worst thing is being crabby with my kids, so I know I have to take care of myself and not let myself slip into complete rage or despair.

I’ve got to stay strong so I can function and provide a loving / joyful / or at least somewhat even-keeled presence for my kids.

This is what’s been getting me through:

Yoga

The moment the sitters get here, I go upstairs for an online Yoga with Adriene session through YouTube.

Her voice is so soothing and gentle that it calms me down.

I’ve been doing sessions like yoga for grief, when you feel dead inside, suffering and the like.

Afterwards, I feel more at peace and grounded.

I’m sure the deep breathing also helps.

Walks

Every morning I get up before my kids and go for a walk in the neighborhood.

I check on all of the gardens in front of people’s homes.

I love seeing tomatoes get red and dahlias bloom.

Yes, I literally stop and smell people’s roses.

Nature is so peaceful and quiet.

There’s a constancy to it.

Plants keep blossoming at their slow pace, which is comforting in a time when there’s so much uncertainty and change in my own life.

Consistent Routine

Since I have young children and not much childcare, I still have to take care of my kids.

These days I set the bar pretty low and consider it a success if they have food. (My husband helps a lot with this.)

Pretty much everything else is negotiable.

With that being said, I’ve actually found it really helps me to stick to a routine rather than completely let things go so I can wallow. (Yes, I’ve wanted to do that at times.)

Being responsible for others forces me to get through the day and make healthy choices.

Journaling

There are so many logistics and decision I’m thinking about - not only with my dad, but with my kids schedules (ugh - back to school brings new routines and lots of choices.)

Journaling helps me figure things out and put things into perspective.

I’ve also been trying to write down what I’m grateful for, so it’s not all negativity and stress (although that’s ok too!)

Sleep

I’ve had some insomnia this past week, but most nights I sleep pretty well.

I noticed that I was extremely grouchy with my kids one day and chalked it up to going through my father’s medical crisis.

But then I got 10 hours of sleep and felt so much better and kinder the next day.

(Sorry kids! Mommy promises to get as much sleep as possible.)

Friends

Fortunately, I’ve been able to schedule evening walks with friends during this period.

They share with me how they got through difficult times. (Tips: Get support from friends. Visit ailing parents as much as possible. Make peace with loved ones (aka forgive) because things can change quickly.)

We also talk about mundane things, so I can get my mind off of my issues.

Friends have been texting me support and asking how they can pray for me.

I’m so grateful for people during these times.

Prayer and Bible

I’ll admit my prayer life is lacking these days - I typically can only muster out short prayers of desperation.

I’m okay with that - God knows I’m human.

I’ve been reading a lot of Ecclesiastes, my favorite book of the Bible these past few years.

It’s a great reminder that life is short.

Enjoy food, drink and the work of your hands.

Also, follow God.

If you have a moment, can you please say a prayer for my family? Thank you!

How about you - what has gotten you through hard times? Have you been caregiving for an aging parent? What words of wisdom or advice do you have to share?